By Tony in Relationships — 18 Jan 2025

How I'm Finding Connection As An Intuitive Introvert (And How You Can Too)

I’ve learned connection isn’t about fitting in—it’s about nurturing meaningful bonds. I’ve built deeper connections using the tips outlined here. Fellow intuitive introverts, your people are out there too.

To enhance convenience, the content is presented in a highly scannable format. Enjoy!

My Initial Dilemma as an INFJ

I grew up as an idealistic dreamer, imagining a future filled with happiness in adulthood. Finding examples of such connections was difficult, but it never deterred me.

As I grew older, I held onto that childlike longing, seeing the world through a lens of possibilities rather than reality.

This often caused disconnect in conversations with others, as most adults focused on the present and discussing anything else would result in a glazed-over look in their eyes.

Navigating adulthood made me realize that my natural mindset was limiting and led to shallow relationships. This sparked a yearning for deeper connections.

Motivated by this desire, I immersed myself in research to learn from experts on bridging this gap. Here's what I learned.

What Does Connection Look Like

When I used to think about individuals who excel at connecting with others, I envisioned a social butterfly. However, as I delved deeper into this concept, I discovered that it entails much more than mere sociability.

In my view, the essence of connection lies in its impact. Simply having numerous acquaintances does not necessarily equate to meaningful connections. Thus, I came to understand that it is not about quantity but rather quality. Cliché, but, from my experience, fitting.

For example, I can make a significant impact on just a few individuals by producing meaningful one-on-one conversations. By focusing on creating impact rather than blending in socially, I have derived greater fulfillment from my interactions with others.

However, even after realizing that making an impact is crucial for fostering connections, I still grappled with how to effectively utilize it. This is where navigating conversations has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor.

Problems With Conversations

Have you ever found yourself diving deep into your niche interest when a co-worker simply asked about your weekend? I have. It's a habit I've fallen into too many times (and one I'll likely continue to do when I inevitable lose focus).

Based on the 16 personalities test, I am an INFJ, and this tendency is common among us.

Individuals like me often focus on abstract ideas, pondering universal laws, mental models, and principles. We use these concepts as tools to navigate recurring problems. However, we sometimes struggle to consider the context in which these topics are relevant.

While most people prefer conversations about their daily lives rather than existential matters, I've learned to adapt my approach over time. By gradually steering discussions towards more relatable topics, I can eventually explore deeper themes.

In the text that follows, I'll share some strategies I've developed to foster more engaging conversations by drawing on the insights of others.

How I Learned to Have Better Conversations

After reading the introduction of the classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People," I had a major epiphany about my approach to conversations. I realized that discussing how my own experiences relate to others may not be as effective as I thought. While I may believe I am validating the other party, I could actually be dismissing their unique and personal importance. Instead, I found people appreciate when I show genuine interest in them, asking about their interests and delving deeper into specific details of their life events.

How I Use Other People's Interests

The ideal approach I discovered is simply observing the positive qualities in others. These attributes may be innate or something they have deliberately cultivated. I might verbally acknowledge my admiration for these traits and probe further. It has been astonishing to witness people responded positively to this kind of attention.

How I Dig Gracefully

Every idea should not be overlooked. It's like a big pie with various slices, and when I seek a more in-depth conversation, I inquire about those slices.

It's surprising how frequently the opposite party dismisses their own ideas by not unpacking them. As though they are unworthy of further exploration. No! Let's delve into that!

I've observed that people experience heightened positive emotions during these conversations, leading to connection that can turn into something truly remarkable.

Finding People to Connect With

There have been times when I felt alone and without someone to talk to. However, with a bit of effort, I have found ways to be resourceful. Now, I never truly run out of people to connect with... unless solitude is what I am seeking at the time.

Here are the three main ideas I utilize:

Reaching out to people I am already acquainted with
Engaging with communities
Leveraging my work as a means to attract connections

Providing more details for each of these strategies may aid in better understanding.

How I Connect With People I Already Know

Reaching out to people I haven't talked to for a while can feel awkward, so I make sure to talk about how they crossed my mind. I like to share what I'm thinking about and how they might help me think through it. I discuss the progress I've already made by share what I've attempted so far, and seek their expertise on finishing the rest. Each person has unique skills, why not give them an opportunity to use them and be admired?

How I Connect With People From Communities

When I'm passionate about a subject, I enjoy connecting with like-minded groups. While starting one-on-one conversations can be tough, I find it easier to engage when I see someone who stands out for their dedication to something. This helps me establish rapport and effortlessly begin a conversation. By applying the techniques mentioned earlier, transforming a stranger into a friend should be a breeze.

How I Use My Work As a Magnet For Connecting With Others

When working on a project, I have the option to share it publicly. Although I may not always be aware of who is viewing my content, there are ways to foster interaction, such as including a "contact me" link, a follow button, or a comments section. These features provide opportunities for dialogue.

"No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you." — Carl Jung's Letters, Volume II, Page 595

If individuals express interest in discussing my work, then I already have a starting point for further conversation. It's as if my previous projects are paving the way for future interactions with little extra work on my part.

Potential Roadblocks

It may seem like I optimized for a world where asking questions is enough, but in reality, things are less predictable. People don't always like feeling like they're being interviewed. After using this system, I encountered some common obstacles, but I found a way to have prepared for them.

The following discusses what those roadblocks are and how I handle them.

What If Someone Wants to Talk About Me?

I aim for brief, concise responses to keep my thoughts on track. Longer replies tend to derail my train of thought, so I strive to maintain brevity without sacrificing their perception of my level of interest. It's more about stopping myself before I ramble aimlessly rather than being some poker-faced strategist and I feel like, when I'm most aware, I deliver that.

What If The Topic Is Too Nuanced?

I don't always want to keep it brief and so I came up with a way of talking about more of the good stuff without sacrificing a lack of structure or interest to the other party.

I focus on writing about my favorite subjects.

Stick with me here. While I don't see myself as a writer, I understand the importance of improving my communication skills. Writing helps me uncover blind spots and present my insights in a engaging way. This practice is beneficial for someone like me who loves to explore various ideas but can easily lose my train of thought the longer I go on.

Conclusions and Caveats

Despite adhering to this strategy-driven approach, I come across situations that don't quite fit the mold. And that's fine because I see this as a chance to embrace adaptability.

It may have been frustrating initially to stumble over my words or pause for long periods, but it happens sometimes.

I've realized that accepting this and consistently practicing is the most effective approach for me. I seek the freedom to change things up as desired.

By combining these tactics with a bit of fluidity, I've been able to achieve success so far. Hopefully, this can do the same for you too.

It's an enjoyable challenge to turn strangers into opportunities for connection. Go out and give it a try. Have fun with it and enjoy the process.

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Do one of these things every day for 60 days and tell me about it.

tony@tonysanchez.dev